After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
