Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
He better not be in your backpack
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
