The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
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