I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize