How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
