i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize