I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
