My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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