Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
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