dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
