last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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