No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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