i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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