If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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