Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
