Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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