My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
