cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
