The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
