i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You are the jesus of drinking
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
