It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
