i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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