Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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