I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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