It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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