You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
