I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
