six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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