I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
