Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
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