When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
