college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
