Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize