just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
