I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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