someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
