I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Actions speak louder than pants.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize