Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize