she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
