THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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