i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize