Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
