We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I would ride that face into the sunset
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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