i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Randomize