we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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