I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
