If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
