Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
