Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
