i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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