1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
