I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize