So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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