Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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