I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
